Without My Heart
by FeelMyBones
Summary: This was the only way it could be. I couldn’t continue to exist without Bella. I couldn’t live without my heart.


**A/N: This idea just came to me today, and I had to write it. I should warn you now, though. It's not particularly pleasant. I hope you enjoy it, and comments, as always, are lovely. **

_This is what you wanted all along, Edward_

No matter how many times I'd told myself that, it didn't even begin to ease the unbearable pain that consumed every inch of my being.

I'd been sitting in the same position for days, or maybe it was weeks, perhaps months. It didn't matter. I had no reason to move anymore, no reason to even exist. So there I sat, huddled in the corner of my room, hugging my knees to my chest, willing the pain to ease, if only for a fraction of a second. It didn't, and I knew that it never would, not even the slightest bit.

"_Edward, you can't stay like that forever. It isn't healthy"_

I could hear Carlisle's concerned thought from where I sat. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut, even though I knew he couldn't see me. "No" I whispered, almost inaudibly, even to a vampire's ears. I heard him sigh heavily.

"_You can't put yourself through this torture, Edward. You have to move on"_

My head snapped up and I was suddenly enraged. How could he possibly expect me to move on? It had taken me ninety years to find Bella, and there was no way anyone would ever be able to replace her. It was impossible, and I didn't want it to happen. I couldn't move on. I wouldn't.

I sighed heavily and leaned my head back against the wall behind me. Her words had been playing continuously in my head.

"_I can't marry you Edward"_

I squeezed my eyes shut again and clenched my fists as visions of that dreadful day came to me. It was impossible to push them away.

"_Do you feel as if I've rushed you into this, Bella? We don't have to get married right away. I'll wait as long as you want" I tried to remain calm, but she had a look in her eyes that I'd never seen before, and it terrified me more than anything ever could._

"_No, Edward, I can't marry you. Ever" she said firmly and I nearly felt my cold heart sink. This couldn't be happening. No, this wasn't happening._

"_Bella" I breathed out and reached forward to touch her warm cheek, but she turned her face away and took a step back. "I can't, Edward. I can't do it" she whispered. I furrowed my brows and stared at her face for a moment, and then it dawned on me._

"_You don't want to change" I stated and she nodded her head slowly. "Bella, you silly girl, I've told you at least a thousands times that you don't have to change for me. I will be with you forever, no matter how short or long time may be" I told her and she just shook her head again._

"_I'm sorry, Edward" she whispered and pulled my mother's ring from her finger. I stared at her in disbelief, unable to speak or even move as her warm hand grasped my wrist and pulled my hand up. Slowly, she turned my palm up and dropped the ring into my open hand. _

_This was not happening. It couldn't be._

_But it was always what I wanted her to do, to realize that I was not worthy of her and to leave me behind._

"_I'm sorry" she whispered once last time before she turned and walked out of my room, and inevitably, out of my life._

Never in my time as a vampire had I'd wish I'd had the ability to cry more than I did at that moment. I wanted to sob, scream, and cause as much destruction to inanimate objects as I possibly could, but I couldn't bring myself to move.

It was true, though. This was what I'd always wanted her to do, and I knew that it would be agonizing, but I never pictured that it would be this severe. The devastation that took over me was unbearable. I didn't want to exist anymore. I couldn't go on feeling like this for an eternity. I'd rather face the inevitable damnation that awaited me in whatever sort of after life my kind had.

"_I know what you're thinking about doing, Edward"_

I heard Alice's thoughts and I sighed and hit my head against the wall. Why did I have to be capable of reading minds at a time like this? And why had she been given the ability to see the future?

"_We would all be devastated. Carlisle and Esme, especially"_

"Go away!" I growled, knowing that she was right. I didn't care though. They would get over my loss. What more was I to them than dead weight now? I would never be the man that I'd become in the last two years again. I wouldn't even be the cynical, pessimistic man that I was before _she _came into my life. No, I'd be an empty shell. Dead weight. A burden. They would all be far better off without me.

At that moment, I knew exactly what I had to do. My mind was made up, and Alice was, no doubt, aware of what I was going to do, but it didn't matter. I would take down anyone who tried to stop me.

My existence was completely meaningless without her. Empty, even. I couldn't continue without being able feel her warmth against me, or seeing that stunning red color flush her cheeks. I couldn't exist without getting lost in the intoxicating scent of her strawberry shampoo. I just couldn't, and I didn't want to.

Finally, I stood from my position on the floor, feeling determined.

"_I know you're planning on going to Italy again, Edward"_

"I know you do, Alice" I nodded. "And I hope that you can understand my reasoning behind it." Her mind was blank for a moment, and I knew she was blocking me out as she thought it over.

"_I don't agree with your decision, but I'm not going to stop you, either"_

"Thank you, Alice" I whispered. "I promise you, this is for the best" I told her, but she didn't respond with anything else.

I took one last moment to survey my room. Everything inside it reminded me of her, and I closed my eyes again, allowing myself to find solace in the memories of her for just a moment before I was brought back to reality.

In one swift motion, I flew out the window and began running.

This was the only way it could be. I couldn't continue to exist without Bella. I couldn't live without my heart.


End file.
